The Ty-Rade: My New Year’s resolution

By: Ty Wilson, Staff Writer

It’s the new year, and with every new year comes a slew of resolutions that people swear they will actually keep. The most common of resolutions is trying to live a healthier lifestyle by going to the gym more and eating better. But I don’t buy into changing my lifestyle just because it’s a new year. The whole premise behind “New Year, New Me” is quite frankly, a joke. However there is always a first time for everything, so here are my New Year’s Resolutions for 2022.

Since the beginning of winter break, I’ve taken some time to reflect on what I’ve written about throughout the year. I don’t feel that my Ty-rades have made a large enough impact on the campus. So perhaps I should turn to Ty-ranny. I’ll take charge, and you’ll watch as things start to actually get done.

If I were the all-powerful ruler of Newman — one that no one dared question — the school would soon be rid of all its trouble.

I’d start with those dastardly campus cats. Their reign of terror over Newman would end and I would demand their immediate relocation.There would be no more Meowing Maleficence while I was in charge. I would replace them with a loyal squadron of trash pandas who would patrol the campus at night, warding off anyone or anything that would cause harm to Ty-land.

I would then solve the mask issue once and for all. I made it clear last semester where I stood on the debate over whether students should have to mask while in class. (Reminder: AGAINST.) Under my rule, there would be a “no-mask mandate.” Masks would be outlawed on campus, and any student or faculty member caught wearing one would have to answer to the raccoons.

As the semester rolled on, I’d tackle even more issues and create an ideal campus for a thriving student body. A sort of utopia where students can swing in outdoor hammocks and bask in the toxic air of an unmasked campus, all while cuddling disease-ridden raccoons that would be sure to make rabies a problem so pervasive, COVID would become just a distant memory.

You’re welcome.

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