The Ty-Rade: I am burning to talk global warming

By: Ty Wilson, Staff Writer

Blue skies and 65 degrees has been the trend in weather over the last week. Students have had the opportunity to shed their jackets and enjoy the sunshine, a commodity that’s rare in December.

But why this sudden change in routine from cold and windy to warm and sunny? Is it just a coincidence, or have we finally depleted the last of our precious ozone layer?

Even if the ice caps are melting exponentially, we should reflect on how this isn’t really that bad. So yeah, we might lose a couple of polar bears, but you get to wear shorts on Christmas. I really don’t see a problem here. Coca-Cola will have to find a new animal to sell its drinks now, but it can manage.

“But Ty, if the ice caps melt, the world will flood.”

Anyone who believes this statement clearly has been hanging out with the Flat Earth Society too much. There’s no way a bunch of oversized ice cubes could melt and flood the planet. But on the off chance that these predictions are true, we’ll just have to deal with it. If watching the movie “Waterworld” has taught me anything, it’s that there’s a chance I could mutate and grow gills. So it appears there’s actually a huge upside to global warming. So far the list comes to warm, sunny weather and a fresh set of gills.

Keep in mind you’ll have to stock up on sunscreen for the summer since our sun will be scorching everything it touches. Lucky for you, Wal-Mart started carrying SPF 5,000 sunscreen last June. Make sure you reapply every half hour though. You wouldn’t want to run the risk of growing some new freckles.

Whether or not the sun boils our oceans or not is entirely up in the air at this point. All I’m saying is that we shouldn’t let it get us down. So what? we’re never going to see snow again? I couldn’t wear my Gucci flip flops in the snow, anyway. As Jon Snow said in “Game of Thrones”: “Winter is coming.” What Jon left out is that winter is going to consist of beach balls and burn victims.

PHOTO: Courtesy Photo, Unsplash