The Ty-Rade: HOCO is a Joke-o, start the recount

By: Ty Wilson, Staff Writer

Start the recount, ladies and gentleman: Voter fraud has found its way to Newman University, and I will not stand for it.

Whether the administration will admit it or not, we all know the homecoming king votes were rigged so that I could not be a top five nominee. Once the homecoming court was announced, whittled down from the longer list of nominees that included yours truly, I knew there was evil afoot. After all, who wouldn't vote for me? I’m Ty Wilson. I have my own column in a very popular student-run newspaper.

You're probably thinking immediately, “Ty, where's your evidence of voter fraud?” But the evidence is right there in the voting process. Did you notice how we all had to revote after some sort of glitch in the voting form? I have a feeling that this “glitch” was an overload of votes for Ty Benjamin Wilson.

They couldn't stand the thought of me rising to the top of the podium, someone so righteous and noteworthy. They knew that if I were to make it into the final five that the final vote would be a landslide in my favor. That there was a real possibility that no one else would receive even a single vote.

So what did they do? Reset the software so that any votes cast toward me go to Tejay Cleland, the sleazy editor behind this very newspaper. But what's so good about him, huh? So he’s got a decent job and he actually combs his hair. Big whoop. He doesn’t have the spunk to write like me, and he never will.

The bottom line is that this election was stolen from me and I plan to protest. Anyone who chooses to align themselves with me should grab a tiki torch and plan to meet outside O’Shaughnessy Hall on homecoming night. That is when we’ll demand an immediate recount of the votes and crown the real homecoming king.

There will also be a small taco bar on site. After all, we can’t protest a stolen election on an empty stomach.

PHOTO: Courtesy Photo, Unsplash