Getting rid of Spring is the only solution to allergies

By: Austin Schwartz, Staff Writer

I love spring as much as everyone else. It’s the season of Easter, when nature begins to bloom, and it’s even my birth month. Sadly, spring brings a monster along with it each year: a monster that haunts us all – following us around closer than our own shadows. I’m talking about allergies.

You’ve probably also been in that situation where you’re all out of the nasal spray and your sneezy brother just finished off the bottle of allergy pills. You get to school and the tissue box has run away. Now you’re an embarrassing, disgusting mess as snot runs down your chin and drips onto your classmate's shoes. No one should have to endure spring’s humiliation ever again.

The clear option is to stop the plants from producing allergens. I recognize burning them all is not an option. We’ve seen how everyone is responding to the rainforest.

I know what you're thinking: “Austin we can’t remove the bee population.” Guys, I know, I’ve seen the "Bee Movie."

My pitch is that we get rid of spring. Without spring, we would have a three-season rotation with winter and summer back to back. This would have been brilliant planning when originally scheduling the seasons. Folks could throw snowballs one day and dive into the pool the next.

The best part is we would all live longer. Now that the year is shorter, we would become a year older at an advanced rate. With only nine months in a year, we could grow to live till 150 years of age.

Despite this genius solution, we can’t actually remove spring. I’m just an upset guy who suffered a terrible case of allergies yesterday. I forgot my meds – then I couldn’t find any. I couldn’t even do my job because every time I began to paint I had to blow my nose.

Allergies can be a miserable thing. The moral of the story is remember your allergy medication, no season removal necessary.

PHOTO: Courtesy photo, Unsplash