The Ty-Rade: Here’s my guide to ghosting

By: Ty Wilson, Staff Writer

For many college students, the months of October through February are known as “Cuffing Season”: the perfect time to find a love buddy so you won’t have to spend the holidays alone.

What many people don’t know is that the same period of time is also known as “Ghosting Season”: the perfect time to cut off people who you don’t want in your life anymore, especially in the romantic sense.

While many people find ghosting a repulsive act, sometimes it’s the only way to start playing the field again. If you are not educated in the art of ghosting, stick around and prepare yourself. Class is in session, and Professor Wilson is ready to lecture.

The first technique, which I like to call flatlining, is the easiest and most effective way to get someone to stop texting you. The first step is to stop texting back entirely and basically act like they don’t exist anymore. This takes discipline: You have to commit to the technique or it won’t work correctly. You don’t want to give this person any hope of there being a chance at this relationship working. There are no other steps after this, making it by far the easiest ghosting method.

Another strategy that I have used for many years is a technique I call “phasing out.” This takes a little more effort and careful planning. You have to slowly stop texting back while leaving messages unread for hours and up to days on end. This will make the person you’re texting unhappy, and they will also stop texting back, making it an easy exit from the partnership.

The third and final strategy is quite complicated, and you may need to have a couple friends by your side to make sure it goes smoothly. This technique is faking your own death. It’s sort of like flatlining in that you don’t ever text back, but you don’t leave a bad impression on the person.

Of course, when they text your friends asking why you haven’t responded, your friends need to be on board with the plan. They can say you were lost and at sea or were killed in a hot-air balloon accident. Both stories provide surefire ways to earn some sympathy while also becoming single again.

We don’t want to hurt people’s feelings, but hey, sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do. And if that means planning a fake funeral then so be it. At least you have your freedom back.

PHOTO: Courtesy Photo, Unsplash