The Ty-Rade: My suggestions to ensure peace on campus

By: Ty Wilson, Staff Writer

I’m not sure if anyone has noticed lately, but Newman seems to be attracting some rather undesirable characters. By undesirable characters, I mean criminals. And by criminals, I mean bad guys who when fleeing the police always seem to take the exits off Kellogg that lead them directly to Newman’s campus.

Newman’s close proximity to Kellogg provides an easy path for burglars, thieves and other deviants to take right into the center of student life.

It wasn’t even a week ago that a man on the run from the police tried to use our beautiful campus as a means of salvation. Thankfully, the WPD was able to catch and arrest him before he was able to escape, but the event caused Newman’s normally peaceful environment to be suddenly filled with sirens, handcuffs and shocked onlookers

The solution: We need to find a way to stop these people from accessing our grounds in the first place. My first and most obvious solution is, of course, to build a giant wall around campus.

Now you’re probably thinking, “Ty, what if they have a ladder?” But don’t worry: I’m one step ahead of you. We build a moat and fill it with the alligators from everyone’s April Fools’ prank. While it is primitive, I think it could work.

Another possible solution is finding someone to step up and put a stop to this madness. The man for the job, of course, is Johnny Jet — a masked vigilante who can terrorize these bandits into staying away. We’ll need a Jet signal or some way of contacting the Jetman. If necessary, we may also need to provide him with a means of transportation, unless he comes with wings.

I do have one other, slightly more drastic idea: Moving our campus. No, I’m not talking about a new place in Wichita or in the surrounding landscape. I’m talking about moving our campus actually up in the air. similar to the school for superheroes in the movie “Sky High.” This would mean we could develop a problem with birds and other types of fowl, but that’s nothing a pellet gun can’t fix.

The bottom line is that our campus is vulnerable, and something needs to be done. And if it means I need to buy a movie-quality superhero suit and fight crime, so be it. I’ll guard the hedges of Newman with my life until we are free from the clutches of Wichita’s foulest criminals.

Sidekick tryouts will be held in the Fugate gymnasium at 5.

PHOTO: Courtesy photo, University Relations